Monday, January 24, 2011

Dear person who took my diaries

Dude, it's -5 degrees outside, and I didn't put the trash out till evening. It takes some kind of commitment to tear a hole in every single bag of trash I put out, including the food-filled kitchen bags that were in the closed trash can.

I understand taking the boxes of VHS tapes; I set those out hoping someone would. But thanks for reinforcing every irrational fear I have by taking my junior high and high school diaries. 'Preciate it! You're in for quite the whiny, boy-obsessed read! And the entry where I finally get my period--diary gold! If you were looking for sex, drugs, and drinking, though, boy did you pick through the wrong trash!*

I can't help but notice you left the elementary school diary behind. Too tame? Or maybe you left it because it was filled front to back and the others weren't. That's it--you're going to tear out the used pages and recycle the diaries! Paper salvage! Say it with me: paper salvage! I'm breezy!

Why couldn't I have thrown these out when I lived hundreds of miles away from my hometown? Or published entries from them myself?

But seriously. So people find out I had crushes on them. Or that they annoyed me. I wouldn't hold anything anyone wrote twenty years ago against them. Right? RIGHT?

[Lamaze breathing.] Paper salvage. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely paper salvage.

*The really juicy stuff was in the college notebooks.


9 comments:

  1. Perhaps next time you should burn them. :)

    It's going to be ok! Paper salvage! Paper Salvage!

    (But dude, really, who digs through people's bagged up trash? Weirdness.)

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  2. SOMEONE STOLE YOUR OLD DIARIES? a) Who are these weirdos? and b) Yikes, I would be mortified if someone read my old diaries. "Does he even know I'm alive? He said hi to me. Life is worth living again!"

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  3. Where the diaries full? I could see someone flipping through and seeing blank pages and taking them for that reason. But, if they were full - that is just scary!

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  4. Oh my goodness.

    Now I'm getting paranoid about the three photo albums from college I threw away three weeks ago.

    Note to self - burn from now on!

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  5. Someone stole diaries out of your trash?! I think your last concern is that they actually know (or talk to) anyone in your diaries. How weird. Definitely paper salvage :)

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  6. Um, WTF? Who does that? Now I am SO burning my old diaries. Wow. Stealing someone's diaries out of their trash is like small town TERRORISM, seriously.

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  7. How bizarre!!!

    I lovingly have my elementary and middle school diaries on the bookshelf next to me. In their hot pink Lisa Frank glory. I don't think I could ever trash them.

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  8. Ah! I still have mine old diaries. Now if I ever decide to get rid of them I'll certainly just BURN them!

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