Dear person who took my diaries

Dude, it's -5 degrees outside, and I didn't put the trash out till evening. It takes some kind of commitment to tear a hole in every single bag of trash I put out, including the food-filled kitchen bags that were in the closed trash can.

I understand taking the boxes of VHS tapes; I set those out hoping someone would. But thanks for reinforcing every irrational fear I have by taking my junior high and high school diaries. 'Preciate it! You're in for quite the whiny, boy-obsessed read! And the entry where I finally get my period--diary gold! If you were looking for sex, drugs, and drinking, though, boy did you pick through the wrong trash!*

I can't help but notice you left the elementary school diary behind. Too tame? Or maybe you left it because it was filled front to back and the others weren't. That's it--you're going to tear out the used pages and recycle the diaries! Paper salvage! Say it with me: paper salvage! I'm breezy!

Why couldn't I have thrown these out when I lived hundreds of miles away from my hometown? Or published entries from them myself?

But seriously. So people find out I had crushes on them. Or that they annoyed me. I wouldn't hold anything anyone wrote twenty years ago against them. Right? RIGHT?

[Lamaze breathing.] Paper salvage. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely paper salvage.

*The really juicy stuff was in the college notebooks.