Monday, January 24, 2011

Dear person who took my diaries

Dude, it's -5 degrees outside, and I didn't put the trash out till evening. It takes some kind of commitment to tear a hole in every single bag of trash I put out, including the food-filled kitchen bags that were in the closed trash can.

I understand taking the boxes of VHS tapes; I set those out hoping someone would. But thanks for reinforcing every irrational fear I have by taking my junior high and high school diaries. 'Preciate it! You're in for quite the whiny, boy-obsessed read! And the entry where I finally get my period--diary gold! If you were looking for sex, drugs, and drinking, though, boy did you pick through the wrong trash!*

I can't help but notice you left the elementary school diary behind. Too tame? Or maybe you left it because it was filled front to back and the others weren't. That's it--you're going to tear out the used pages and recycle the diaries! Paper salvage! Say it with me: paper salvage! I'm breezy!

Why couldn't I have thrown these out when I lived hundreds of miles away from my hometown? Or published entries from them myself?

But seriously. So people find out I had crushes on them. Or that they annoyed me. I wouldn't hold anything anyone wrote twenty years ago against them. Right? RIGHT?

[Lamaze breathing.] Paper salvage. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely paper salvage.

*The really juicy stuff was in the college notebooks.


  1. Perhaps next time you should burn them. :)

    It's going to be ok! Paper salvage! Paper Salvage!

    (But dude, really, who digs through people's bagged up trash? Weirdness.)

  2. SOMEONE STOLE YOUR OLD DIARIES? a) Who are these weirdos? and b) Yikes, I would be mortified if someone read my old diaries. "Does he even know I'm alive? He said hi to me. Life is worth living again!"

  3. Where the diaries full? I could see someone flipping through and seeing blank pages and taking them for that reason. But, if they were full - that is just scary!

  4. Oh my goodness.

    Now I'm getting paranoid about the three photo albums from college I threw away three weeks ago.

    Note to self - burn from now on!

  5. Someone stole diaries out of your trash?! I think your last concern is that they actually know (or talk to) anyone in your diaries. How weird. Definitely paper salvage :)

  6. Um, WTF? Who does that? Now I am SO burning my old diaries. Wow. Stealing someone's diaries out of their trash is like small town TERRORISM, seriously.

  7. How bizarre!!!

    I lovingly have my elementary and middle school diaries on the bookshelf next to me. In their hot pink Lisa Frank glory. I don't think I could ever trash them.

  8. Ah! I still have mine old diaries. Now if I ever decide to get rid of them I'll certainly just BURN them!