Not guilty by reason of mental defect

Wednesday morning: Have 0fficer substitute for Kindergarten crossing guard.  Be pleasant.

Thursday morning: Show up at D1strict C0urt at same time as 0fficer.  Remain pleasant.  Wait in waiting room.  Go to restroom. Leave restroom and find officer waiting for you.
"Sarah."
"Firstname."
"Do you want to have a hearing?"
"...Yes."
"His Honor is recus1ng himself because he knows you.  Do you want a hearing in another c0urt?"
"Yes."
"OK.  I'll go tell him."
Wait a few minutes.
"Sarah, please come into the c0urtroom.  His Honor is going to explain things."
Nod.
"Please sit here."
"Thank you."
Judge enters.
"Mrs. Lastname."
Nod.
"I am recus1ng myself from the case because of my relationship with your family."
Nod.
Judge goes into long explanation of your choices while your brain coaches: don'ttalkdon'ttalkdon'ttalk.
The explanation, minus leg@l phrasing, is:
"You could A: take the case to another c0urt or
B: pay the c0urt costs but not the ticket cost because 0fficer Lastname has agreed to clearing the charges from your record, correct, 0fficer Lastname? So which do you choose?"
"I will pay the c0urt costs."
"Are you prepared to pay today?"
"Yes."
"That will be $3500. [pause] Just kidding."
[It was MUCH less than that, and less than the ticket would have been.]

So!  Because I was willing to go to another c0urt?  Because the 0fficer knew he didn't have a strong case?  Because of whatever the judge said behind closed doors?  I won!  The ticket was cleared from my record and I had to pay less money than I was expecting.

So, always go to c0urt because you never know what will happen.  I'm going to go lie down.

Kickin' it old school

Why yes I did buy some prune juice on sale with coupons, thank you for asking.  Time for a depression-era-type recipe, yes?

Prune Coffee Cake, adapted from Cooks.com and Paula Deen

EDIT:  YES, IT HAS FLOUR.  My copy/paste skillz are lacking.

2 c. FLOUR
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1 1/3 c. sugar
1/4 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. each of nutmeg, cinnamon, and allspice
1/2 c. shortening or coconut oil.  Or lard.  Whatever.
1 c. prune juice, divided
2 eggs

Mix all dry ingredients; add shortening and 3/4 cup prune juice. Beat for 2 minutes. Add remaining prune juice, vanilla and eggs. Beat for 2 minutes more. Bake in 9 by 13 inch pan at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes.

Glaze
1 cup powdered sugar
1 T. plain soymilk
1 t. vanilla
dash of salt
Stir ingredients together. When the cake comes out of the oven, immediately spread glaze on top.

Today

Anyone else go to your child's end-of-the-year preschool party and realize that the ball00n artist greeting you enthusiastically was the guy who offered your junior high boyfriend a dollar to break up with you so he could date you?*  Just me?  OK then.








*My boyfriend refused, by the way.  And no, I don't condone dating in middle school.

Split pea soup my children will eat

I meant to post this after Christmas.  Then after Easter.  Now, Aldi has Easter hams on clearance for $5 off and it's 40 degrees outside. Also, I showed up to plead not guilty and schedule a hearing (but you still have to pay the ticket) and I didn't have any checks left in my checkbook.  I am AWESOME.  Soup time!

Split Pea Soup

1 16 oz. package of green split peas, rinsed and drained
1 meaty ham bone
1 small onion, chopped
2/3 c. chopped carrots
2/3 c. chopped celery
1 raw potato, peeled and chopped
2 bay leaves
1 teaspoon minced garlic
salt and pepper to taste

Combine all ingredients except salt in a large pot with a lid.  Bring to a boil over medium-high heat.  Reduce heat to a simmer; cover and simmer for 1 to 1 1/2 hours or until peas are soft, stirring occasionally.

Remove bay leaves and ham bone.  Using a stick blender, puree soup to disguise all of the vegetables and their weird textures until smooth.  Cut meat off of ham bone and dice.  Add ham back to soup.  Taste for salt and add salt if needed.  Serve with grilled cheese sandwiches, using Daiya cheese for the dairy-free sandwiches.
Edit:  I'm guessing this is about 12-15 servings?  It's enough to serve our family of 6 for two dinners, plus my parents for one meal.

Choose your own adventure: small town edition

Grow up in small town with a father who is a very prominent citizen.  Have various teachers, etc., criticize father when teaching your classes, being parents of your friends, etc.  Swear you will never use father's name to your advantage.
Move away for ten years.
Move back.
Have people make comments about you using your father's name to say, get a stop sign put in, even though you did not and he has no jurisdiction over local street signs.
Nine years after moving back, receive call from school principal, another townie, asking you to organize gift for teacher you don't like.  Do it, for the greater good and because you don't like to make waves.
Call parents of child's classmates, including father you went to school with who is local p0lice 0fficer, to organize gift.
The next day, drive two sick children (bronchitis!) to the pediatrician on road you drive 2-3 times a day.

KEY*

red blob: stop sign

yellow blob: dead end street sign for road to left with blue blob on it

brown blobs: industrial buildings

blue blob: c0p car

white blobs: other cars

gray arrows: ONLY DIRECTION YOU CAN GO

black arrows: ONLY DIRECTION OPPOSING TRAFFIC CAN GO

*Shalini makes this look way easier than it is.

Go through intersection, after briefly stopping, as you do every day.

See flashing lights in rear view.

Pull over.

See HS acquaintance/father of kid's classmate/p0lice 0fficer approach.

Give him license and registration, trying to remain calm and conversational for freaked out children in van and because you are hoping he will just give you a warning.

Call pediatrician's office to tell them why you will be late. 

Receive $112 ticket for 'rolling through a stop sign.'

Listen to 0fficer tell you how he classified offence so you don't get points on your license.

Gee, thanks.

Go to pediatrician's and tell receptionists (both HS acquaintances) what happened.  They reply, "What a JERK" and promise to charge him a triple copay next time.

Go home and tell your mother, who was babysitting other children, what happened.

She goes home and tells your father, who is, ah, angry.

Wow.

You really aren't sure what happened at the intersection, although you always obey traffic signs and have never had a ticket.  You have a tendency to blather when you are uncomfortable.  Say, in a courtroom.  You blathered a LOT to the c0p because you were nervous and hoped he would give you a break.  Could he use whatever you said against you?  You do not have $112 to spare.  You are pissed.  You think maybe it is time to try to use your father's influence to your advantage, since people think you do it all the time anyway, so what the hell?  Husband thinks you should go just to waste c0p's time, figuring the more people who do that, the less likely he will give out this type of ticket.

Do you:

Say you are guilty and pay the ticket.

Let your father complain to mayor about p0lice shooting fish in a barrel instead of dealing with real traffic problems, which does nothing about the ticket but is satisfying.

Say you are not guilty and wait to appear in front of the d!strict judge.  Who you also grew up with.

Whose father shares office space with your father.

Whose son is also in your child's class.

Who you also called about the stupid class gift.

Who goes to church with you.

Think it is worth it to go whether you win or not just to draw attention to the ridiculousness of the situation.

If you go to court, do you:

Take your father. (Hint: you don't have a choice here.)

Take your husband.

Both.

Let your father get you a lawyer.  (Hee!  But seriously, he offered.)

Think you can open your mouth without making an idiot of yourself.

Anatomy of a midlife crisis

• Stop continuously gestating and nursing for the first time since 2005.
• Get some uninterrupted sleep.
• Read books and blogs on decluttering and selling items to earn money.
• Clean childrens' rooms, packing up clothing for children #3 and #4.
• Realize that hall closet is full of 10 years of hand-me-downs.
• Decide to tackle hall closet.
• Attempt to make rational decisions about outgrown baby and toddler clothes.
• Cry while sorting clothing.
• Drive around with baby clothes in the van for a week.
• Recall every single time a mother with older children tells you how much she misses this time.
• Be terrified that this actually IS the best time in life and it's all downhill from here.
• Realize that before long you will be blue-haired widow in front pew at church. [Husband: "Wait--I'm dead in this scenario?  That is depressing."]
• Have breakdown at bible study.
• Have friends bring you a CDP the next day that includes a framed photo of your children with a beautiful quote.
• Cry, causing wisea** friends to say, "Yeah, we just wanted to make you cry again,"  to make you laugh.
• Walk around fully aware of EVERY MOMENT like old ladies in the grocery store always tell you to be for about a week.  
• Cry over every thing--even not cute things--your children do.
• Realize that people CANNOT LIVE like this without going insane.  
• Want to be back in fuzzy haze of day-to-day routine and survival.
• Hate raw feeling of every emotion being exposed and being hyper-aware that children are growing up and away from you.
• Listen to mother's wise words about how, even if you could, keeping children in their current states isn't fair to them and doesn't let them develop into their full selves.
• Let mother point out good relationship people can have with adult children *cough*you are calling your mother for help right now at the age of thirty-seven*cough*.
• Ride out the feelings for another week.
• Have husband ask you if you want more children.
• Answer that what you really want is to go back in time to when your kids were babies and relive things without being so tired and hormonal.  Husband: "...Wow."
• Work on building even better relationships with these kiddos right here! instead of being sad about the babies being gone.
• Panic about what you are going to be when you grow up.
• Decide that can wait for another day.
• Go to funeral of beloved relative.
• Have beloved great-aunt talk to you about how it's hard to be one of the ones left behind.
• Have minor panic attack.
• Realize you are not in control of what happens and can only do the best you can.
• Resolve to exercise more.

Feeding Eden Giveaway

Have you heard about Feeding Eden?  It's a new memoir about how a child's food allergies affect the lives of a family.  I'm in the process of reading it, but it's slow going for me--not because it isn't compelling but because it makes me start to tense up and hyperventilate.  Which means this book is an excellent portrayal of what it means to be a food allergy family.  Here is the author, Susan Weissman, talking about the book on YouTube.

I think it's a good read for everyone.  Food allergy parents will relate to it, of course, but more importantly,  I think it is a great chance for others to get into the head of a food allergy parent.

"We parents can't make magic.  We can't transform our children.  But we can heal with our touches, our words, and our love.  We can show them how to take their medicine.  When we do this, our children can save themselves."--Susan Weissman, Feeding Eden


The publisher has agreed to send one copy of Feeding Eden to one commenter from my blog.  Leave a comment by midnight on Sunday, March 11, saying why you'd like to read this book.  I'll announce a winner on Monday, March 12.

Prize Redraw:  Janeen!  You won!  Send me your info!